This is not my ceiling
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
