I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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