I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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