I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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