The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
