A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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