how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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