my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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