she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
