I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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