Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
