I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
