I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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