I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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