i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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