I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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