i don't like sucking hair
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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