whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
