You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
