Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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