what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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