It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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