you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
