bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
