A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
