There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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