You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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