you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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