you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
