His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
