Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
