I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
