I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
