Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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