I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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