you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize