Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
