I feel great
I just peed on a car
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
