I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My butt remains clenched, sir.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
