I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
