i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
