OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
