I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
