apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
