SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
