I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I pour the whiskey from now on
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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