she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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