Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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