I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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