Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
