I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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