her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They took my balls.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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