its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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