My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
